Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Randomize
