Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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