I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
