I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
