I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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