Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
