and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
