I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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