My friends, they love my intelligence
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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