woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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