Too much gin, very little bucket
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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