I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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