I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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