I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
