god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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