my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
