I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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