I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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