She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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