i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
