i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
