I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
