fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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