... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
