She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
