God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
