well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
