i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
