I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
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