I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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