I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
