we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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