and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
