Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
