peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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