Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
