I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
