just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
