I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
