he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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