mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
