I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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