I wish you could order shots online.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
