the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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