Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
