Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
