How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
