Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
