We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
