ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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